child losscoping

Running on Empty

By June 9, 2018 4 Comments

I haven’t “felt like” training much at all and it’s getting to the point where if I don’t start doing so more regularly I will either:

1) Not get to the start line because it’s obvious I can’t run a marathon

2) Get hurt trying to train because I have to run too much too soon or

3) Get to the start line and have a terrible day on a day when I am supposed to be honoring Chase.

Why have I not run much?

Oh there are many excuses!!

-the weather has been abysmal and unpredictable

-I am out of shape so it doesn’t feel as good to run and be slow and have it be so much harder than it used to be

-I don’t really enjoy road running that much anymore but I know I will have to do considerable time on the pavement to run this race

-things hurt because my body is older and not as strong as it used to be

-my shoes are old

-BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

ALL OF THOSE THINGS ARE BULLSHIT—because I know if the one main excuse didn’t exist none of those things would matter one bit.

Drum Roll for The Million Dollar Excuse:

I DON’T FEEL LIKE IT BECAUSE I LOST MY SON AND I JUST DON’T FEEL LIKE IT.

So today on this 93% humidity 79 degree day I broke the inertia and I went.

I didn’t feel like it. I was slow and all the above excuses were omnipresent for 4 measly slogging sticky sweaty miles.

But within a few tenths of the first mile I remembered all the things Chase did that he didn’t feel like doing.

-He sat in MRI machines for hours without being able to move or talk-without sedation

-He had his head cut open and part of his brain removed and couldn’t ride a bike for 8 weeks

-He sat with a cage clamping his head to a table while toxic radiation blasted his brain

-He lost most of his hair and some of it never grew back

-He had dozens of cables glued to his head for 5 days straight while he sat trapped in a hospital bed or wheelchair

-He swallowed horse pills marked with a biohazard label

-He vomited many many times and had weeks where he was too tired to go to camp

-He took disgusting tasting oils and supplements

-He got poked and prodded and drained of his blood over and over

-He had seizures that he couldn’t control or predict

-He lost his balance and ability to walk but still did PT and OT every time he was asked

-He had PICC line placed without sedation and went through uncomfortable dressing changes every week

-He had a tube shoved up his nose and down his throat so he could eat and had to let me place it and replace it

-He had a hard tube jammed in the back of his throat so he could breath without suffocating on his own secretions

-He had eye drops and had to have his eyes taped shut to protect his corneas

-He wore diapers and had to let people care for him like a baby

-And most importantly-he died. He missed out on 70-80 years of life here and all the experiences that would have come with it.

He didn’t feel like doing any one of those things but he did. And rarely if ever did he complain.

And all I have to do is run 3 times a week for the next 5 months to get the privilege of participating in an event that thousands of people vie to do and even more are turned away?

But hey, “I don’t feel like it.”

Well, that’s pretty freakin lame.

The truth is that I must do this almost BECAUSE I don’t feel like it. Because Chase didn’t feel like it either. But he did it all. And this is all I have to do? Run?

I am so sorry Chase. I am sorry it’s taken me so long to really feel this at my core. I promise I will do it even if “I don’t feel like it.” For you baby. Pinky Promise. 💚

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